Losing My Faith In My Religion

“Oh, life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight,
I'm losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough

I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try…”
--REM from “Losing my Religion.”



In a sense of incredible irony, I have been in charge of the Baccalaureate for my school. For those not in the know, a Baccalaureate is a religious service for the graduating class.

I am the Senior Senior class advisor and the other advisor has no desire to indulge himself with the religious ceremonies, as this is a blessing and a service for the Seniors.

In the last ten or so years I have done this, I have been insulted at every turn.

One year one of the Ministers who perform the service publicly decided to insult my belief system.

One year a student took a pot shot at me by saying how she was surprised someone like me would run the service.

No kidding.

I had a comment to her; the rest of the holier-than-thou crowd I work with would not do it.

And here is the kicker, I freaking do it for free. It was handed to me by a now-retired administrator who decided that the Senior advisors should perform the act.

This year I arrived early to set it up and the Monsignor of the Catholic Church introduced himself to me; thinking I was a band or music director. I said I was not and he asked who I was. I explained I was a Social Studies teacher who was in charge of the service, as far as the high school was concerned. He asked why I did the work for the school and I had no answer. I said “I guess because no one else would do.”

I am not a religious person, although with a few heart surgeries under my belt of experience, I probably should be. That said, I hate the sanctimonious, holier-than-thou buggers who think they are so pious. Hell, most of them would not understand the last sentence—too many syllables. I suppose I swear too much for some or they do not understand my jokes. I would only point out that that is less of my religion and more of others’ ignorance.

Last year I did this service the day I attended Hunter’s wake, and I must admit, I questioned the actions of a God who would take Hunter away when I attended a religious service.

Then a bolt of intellectual spirituality struck me; it was not for me or Hunter I did this service; it was for the graduating kids—even though the chief negotiator of my contract did not see it fit to offer me some alms for my services. The kids are really who I work for in this service; well them and their families. Some appreciate it. Some insult me because I dare to ask questions, but at least they leave me to my own mental devices.

The truly holiest people I have met in my life are the ones who do “God’s work” and do not judge others. And the amazing thing is that most of these folks are not trained in the ministerial arts—in fact some are agnostic or atheists. So as one of the ministers this year insulted me; as a few students asked me why “someone like me” would be involved in a religious service; I can take some solace in the fact that they have judged when not fit to do so.

After doing this for almost ten years, only one minister ever said a kind word about me. Reverend Bill Beswick, who recently passed away of a stroke, commented to the crowd at the Baccalaureate, that I received my “calling” to be a teacher, as he named me among a few others in the community who did their chosen fields—and therefore did the work that God had set out for them to do. It was among the greatest compliments I have ever received. Now the kind-hearted and decent Reverend Bill is gone. He was a fine man who I learned to respect through his actions and through working with his children, as they were in my classes.

And as a tribute to Bill and a few before him, I actually live by the Golden Rule. I do not think I am holier than anyone but I know that the people who judge me as a Heathen of sorts are not holy either.

Maybe this why so many people are turned off by religious people; and maybe this is why next year will be my last to perform this service.

And here is my Heathen/Pagan advice: God Bless and follow your God’s words rather than judging others.