Talk is Cheap
“I can't seem to talk about The things that bother me Seems to be what everybody has Against me! (ooh! ooh! ooh! yeah!) Talk, talk Talk, talk Talk, talk Talk, talk”
Taken from Talk Talk sung by Alice Cooper on The Flush The Fashion album, 1980
A friend sent me this on the complexity of the English language. Add your own. His are in italics while mine are in bold.
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine
in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in
France
(Surprise!). Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat...
Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither
from Guinea or is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't
fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose,
2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make
amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid
of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end? If teachers
taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what
does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck
and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can
burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in
which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the
human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars
are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
Shut the Hell Up. What does this mean? Why insert Hell in shut up? Is Hell loud? Does it need to be shut? Is it up—I thought it was down.
I have heard this before “Your ass is grass and I am a lawnmower.” Does this mean someone wishes to mulch my ass or eat it?
$hit eating grin. Now, I am not sure on this, as having never tasted excrement, but I assume I would not be smiling when doing so.
And my favorite expression from the hospital—“this won’t hurt at all”—yeah, you liar! That was uttered when the pulled a urinary cath out of me. Or “These have improved over the years” I don’t care if the thing is made of silk, you put something into a place where things should only go out.
Have a good one.
Taken from Talk Talk sung by Alice Cooper on The Flush The Fashion album, 1980
A friend sent me this on the complexity of the English language. Add your own. His are in italics while mine are in bold.
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine
in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in
France
(Surprise!). Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat...
Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither
from Guinea or is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't
fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose,
2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make
amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid
of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end? If teachers
taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what
does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck
and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can
burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in
which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the
human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars
are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
Shut the Hell Up. What does this mean? Why insert Hell in shut up? Is Hell loud? Does it need to be shut? Is it up—I thought it was down.
I have heard this before “Your ass is grass and I am a lawnmower.” Does this mean someone wishes to mulch my ass or eat it?
$hit eating grin. Now, I am not sure on this, as having never tasted excrement, but I assume I would not be smiling when doing so.
And my favorite expression from the hospital—“this won’t hurt at all”—yeah, you liar! That was uttered when the pulled a urinary cath out of me. Or “These have improved over the years” I don’t care if the thing is made of silk, you put something into a place where things should only go out.
Have a good one.
posted by Eric Sweetwood at 4:48 PM
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