Face It, You've Been Had.

“In The Moonlight—Fighting With the Night;
It’s a Rip Off”

--Marc Bolan of T. Rex, 1971.

Last year, I was selected by the Chicago Bears radio call-in show to win an Anthony Thomas Ball, some Diamond Nuts, and a Diamond Nut bag. Now I will let the “nut bag” joke go because I run a clean show here, but I was feeling pretty good about myself.

Three weeks later, no nut bag, no Anthony Thomas, and no nuts. By the way, that description was me and not the Chicago Bears, although all three expressions may have applied for the team last fall. I called the director of marketing and sure enough, they made a mistake and forgot to send it out. A week later, I was given my nut bag, the nuts, and a ball signed by Marty Booker…Marty Booker? He wasn’t even on the Bears last year. I mean, come on, now. So the radio station has autographed balls of former players lying around to “pass” to the unsuspecting public? How cheap, how lame, how utterly irritating. I suppose I should be grateful for something, but MARTY BOOKER? He was not even good enough to start for the Dolphins, and they STINK!

So I thought of other great rip offs and see if you agree:

“Free” education—well no, you see as a teacher I can point this out—I am paid by TAXES—there is no such thing as free education in this country unless you do not pay taxes and then you go to jail.

Cable Television—yes, they raise their rates, they own monopolies, and they always seem to prevent me from watching channels I want to watch. I wanted TVLAND as an example and my cable company said no for some odd reason. I figure, why not delete one of the five (count ‘em—five) country music channels and let me have TVLAND, but no way. We could not do such a horrid thing. I switched to Satellite and like it better—except when it rains.

Satellite TV—when it rains.

“18% Gratuity added for parties over seven people” at restaurants. What a rip-off. Suppose the waiter stinks, so now I STILL have to give a tip because he may have to work harder. I thought a tip was my discretion, but apparently it is not. So I can expect a larger salary if I teach a class over 26 students (Illinois state class size average)? Uh-huh—I average 28-32 kids per class per semester in three of six of my classes. Show me the MONEY.

Scratch Lottery tickets—have you ever met someone who won really big bucks on one of these things? Me neither. Rip Off.

Timers in Drive-Thru’s—unreal. There are a few places in our town where they have installed timers. If the kid takes 12 seconds or 12 minutes to hand me my order, it really does not matter, as I have no upside. Now if they offered a timer when, if the kid does not bring me my order in three minutes, I have the right to give him mild electro-shock until he does so; THEN you have something exciting. Otherwise, it just annoys me to watch the counter going.

Buy-One, Get One Free Produce—usually this is done for big produce items like five pounds of strawberries. Read dates on this one as well, because the expiration of the strawberries is usually within a day or so and no one can eat ten pounds of strawberries in a day and a half. I think they do this to save time for the kid working at the market of your choice not to have throw it away.

Ho-Ho’s—check the fat content. That little crummy cake has more fat and calories than a MEAL at Subway. Weight Watchers influence here, folks.

Restaurants that charge for refills—This is just EVIL. It costs less than a dime for the beverage (beer excluded of course) and they fill it half full with ice (i.e. water) and charge you $1.50-$2.00 and then they charge you for a refill. Next time order the refill and “get your money’s worth” by throwing it the manager’s face.

Gas Prices—No Comments needed.

“Educational” Toys—I was never given these, so maybe I would have ended up more intelligent if I had them, but I would not have had as much fun as a child. What a rotten trick to do to children.

“Politically correct people” who are too tight—I love it when I tell a joke, and then people laugh, think about it, and then make comments. I admit, when I saw “Timmy” the first time on South Park, I was mortified, only AFTER I laughed at the joke for a half hour—then I felt guilty. The other day I told this joke to a friend: Question—what do you call a dog with wings? Answer—Linda McCartney. The friend laughed, then stopped and called me a “sick bastard” because “she died you know…” Yeah I know, lighten up.

Beer Use—I was told (probably by Beer companies) that a beer a day helps the heart. Since my recent heart surgery, my doctors told me to limit it to three beers a week. Hmm…someone is being dishonest to me. I have weighed this issue by looking at corporate greed and complete profit margins from beer companies who could not care less for the health of the consumer with that of the wisdom and intellect and degrees of the doctors; and in so doing, I am wondering why the doctors are lying to me.

The Telephone—you ARE aware that if you own it, have it sit in your house, and NEVER USE it; it costs forty dollars per month. I have to pay forty dollars a month for the “privilege” of having wires in my house that were already in place when I moved in? Please. And when I call operator assistance, I am sent to an automatic voice or given to a person who knows less than I know.

The Chicago Cubs—Ok, many people have been fans since the turn of the century and have NEVER seen them win the World Series. Worst is the fact that generations of fans fill that ballpark every day. They lose, and we still come. Unreal how misguided the ownership is and how idiotic the fans are. By the way, GO CUBBIES!

College “Student Fees”—translation, thanks for bulking our wallets. Illinois State University always had fees for the right to take a class. The professors of ISU—some of which are friends of mine—are severely underpaid. The fees go to such things as “flowers on campus” which mysteriously disappear after Preview Days when new parents arrive, student athletic scholarships (when has ISU ever WON anything and they are in horrible basketball and football conferences?), and the Deans who live in houses much too extravagant to be in my neighborhood.

College Book Stores—Ok, follow this logic. You take a class, pay $120 for a book, sell it back at the end of the semester because you are no longer under the delusion that “you will use it someday” (heh heh), and they give you $15.00 for the book. Then, next semester you go back to the bookstore and see that they are selling it for $100.00 as a used book. Someone is making a huge profit here. They then give the person who bought it used for $100.00, $10.00 back and then resell it for $90.00. Follow the math. They buy the book for $60 (and I am being kind here) and give money back at low rates and make $230.00 per book? WOW! Multiply that for ALL OF THE BOOKS IN ALL OF THE CLASSES. English Majors: the time is now to stand up and fight!

Musicians and artists that cross genres—How horrible is it to hear Elvis Costello doing torch songs, Paul McCartney writing orchestral compositions or Rod Stewart doing Broadway tunes—listen up—THE “CLASSIC MUSIC” OR “JAZZ” FANBASE WILL NEVER ACCEPT YOU, any more so than heavy metal guys liking Pat Boone (remember that one); so knock it off and quit ripping off the obsessive fans who buy all of your material.

Contractors who leave—They give me an estimate of time, they start, and they are NEVER close to finishing when they say they will. And once they tear up the house, what can you do? You obviously cannot fix it yourself (hence the reason you hired them), so you wait as they “get calls” for other jobs. I just imagine them sitting a truck, eating donuts, and laughing at my expense.

Greatest Hits or Best of CD’s—Call it what it is: the songs are singles. I own more than a few “best of” CDs and they never are the best—they just are the singles that the MOR public likes. And those “Hits of Whatever Decade You Want Here” things that put two or three singles matched with 20 songs that they fill in the gaps of time with are the MOST ANNOYING.

And the greatest rip-off—Blog sites that give any idiot a voice in the world.