The Devil Made Me Do It...The Republican Shell Game

“The night was black was no use holding back
'Cos I just had to see was someone watching me
In the mist dark figures move and twist
Was this all for real or some kind of hell
666 the number of the beast
Hell and fire was spawned to be released…”

Iron Maiden—Number of the Beast, 1982.

OK, let’s try this one on for a moment:

Ted Haggard steps down from his post and is then booted from his church for allegedly having sex with another man and buying and consuming drugs. Haggard admits to paying for a massage from the man, and for buying, but not ingesting the drugs.

Uh-huh.

Even if I believe that (which by the way I do not), Haggard is guilty of misconduct for a Minister of the New Life Church. I am curious what recognized denomination is, in case anyone knows—we do not have “New Life” churches in my area. I am assuming this is “Born Again Christian.” Which is fine and dandy, but I am honestly curious what this church stands for.

Haggard says he was a counselor for President Bush in religious matters as well as the President of the National Association of Evangelical Ministers. That strikes me as a relatively powerful position for someone—someone who is there would not be using mets, but maybe he needed something to stay awake.

In any event, this guy is vigorously anti-Gay, but is pro-taking massages from other males and paying for them.

Now I will not take unneeded potshots at this guy, except in the article I read, the last few lines blew me away as far as hypocrisy goes. Here it is: Church member Christine Rayes, 47, said the congregation had hoped the allegations "were all lies." "We all have to move forward now," she said. "This doesn't make what Ted accomplished here any less. The farther up you are, the more you are a target for Satan."

Oh COME ON! You blind sheep.

So now everything I do is the fault of Satan. Please remember that.

I forget to call my mother—SATAN!

I yell at a student in class—SATAN!

I eat too much fat foods—SATAN!

I decide to go cheap and not buy people gifts and hoard my money—blame THE DARK PRINCE—SATAN!

I cuss—SATAN is making me say those God Damn words—oops, felt “Satanic” for a moment.

I bark at the neighborhood kids—it is the work of (you guessed it) SATAN!

I drink too much—SATAN is pushing that bottle down my throat.

I fart in public—SATAN gave me gas.

I flip off a driver on the road—well it’s not me, it is SATAN who is pissed.

Personal responsibility be hanged, because we all know that SATAN is hanging around waiting to lure us with same sex massages and drugs and all the evil we do.

What a load of crap—and the Republicans even have to be ducking this one.

Will it matter when we vote on Tuesday? No, I assume not, but if the Republicans lose the House and the Senate…well you know whose fault it is, don’t you?

That’s right—it was all SATAN’s doing.